Vanilla Yogurt

I watched a business show earlier about Ferrari and then all day long it showed the long lines in Asia, Europe and the USA waiting for the new iPhone. It was such excess. It was quite disturbing to say the least. I had an iPhone and it was nice. It was a fun phone but my new carrier doesn’t have the iPhone yet. I am not missing it much. I like my phone. Though, I don’t use it much to be honest as I don’t really call anyone. I don’t chat on the telephone much. I don’t drive either. There are so many in the world who need so much. I am not begrudging anyone to have nice things – not at all. If you can afford it by all means have at it. But, to sleep in line for 5 days for an iPhone when your old iPhone is just as good?

The Kindle Fire has a new tablet. It does what the iPad does. I thought about it for a second and then had to double think that real quick. I don’t need one. I am fine with the Kindle Fire that I have. When I go out if I need to go on the internet I have my cell phone for that. I always download everything I need on my Kindle Fire before I leave. I suppose buying things makes one feel better. I know because I used to spend my paycheck buying things to make myself feel better. Since recovering from my knee surgery and making the decision to work for myself I haven’t been happier in my life and have found that I don’t have that urge to buy and spend money for that instant gratification I used to have. I can go out and buy that 60 inch television I have been dreaming about. But, to be honest I can watch my Mets lose on my 32 inch television just as much as I can on a 60 inch television. All the stupid video games I have didn’t make me feel better.

I’m happy with my MTA card. What makes me happy are my two silly boys. I’ve also made friends with someone. We were friends before but we had a chat about a week ago and when we chatted it was a really deep connection. I haven’t let anyone inside like that and I felt so safe. It’s not a dating thing – She didn’t want anything from me and I didn’t want anything from her except a friendship – one that feels safe and I didn’t have to be big tough David. I will take that over any Ferarri, iPhone or mansion any day.

I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now – but, a lot of people are dealing with a lot of things in their life. I am not special, better or worse off than anyone else. But, I have learned that an iPhone and a Ferarri can’t fix anything and sometimes all it takes is a deep connection with another human being and sometimes a vanilla yogurt thrown in for good measure.

Trans Mental Health Study 2012

Below is a link for a study done by The Scottish Transgender Alliance. I thought I would post it. It is quite long. (96 pages) On another note. I was able to get my T refilled yesterday. After two weeks without it – I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders as I put it on again. What a terrible feeling not being able to have my T. That feeling made me even more determined to make my foundation a success. There are so many who can’t afford their hormones. I hope that once the Affordable Care Act goes into effect all of us can have the dignity of having our hormones and surgery.

 

Click to access trans_mh_study.pdf

Deep Breath….Moving Forward

I am very relieved. I received the first third of my funding in the mail today. This is the beginning of my new career. I was so nervous putting the money in the bank. Not because I am afraid of spending it foolishly but because I’m making the leap to work for myself and not rely on a steady paycheck from an employer. I will have to rely on myself for money, pay for my own health insurance and retirement plan. (In my last job I had health insurance, job security even in this bad economy and I also had not only a 401 plan but a pension with supplemental health insurance for after retirement.) But, what is even more important to me is my foundation to help others. This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time. I have made small monthly donations but I want to do more. I want to help others like me pay for surgery and hormones. I want to help the young members of our MTF/FTM community have a safe place to be when their parents have kicked them out of the house.

I have confidence but at the same time it is mixed with caution and concern because if don’t do this right a few small trades could wipe me out. I’ve studied the market for many years and I have a good mind for business and world affairs as well as market psychology. Many people go into this expecting to become millionaires overnight. They are usually the ones who figure out they should have learned the market and finance BEFORE they started in the market. I’m not looking to become a millionaire. I have what I need. A nice little messy apartment, two goofy little boy cats and will be able to afford my surgery.

I am still waiting for two more funding checks to come in. Once that is in I will be able to begin my new venture full force. Right now I have a smaller amount which is good. I expect losses – everyone in the market has losses. Success in the market is to know how to cut our losses to a minimal. At the end of each year I will take 1/3 of my profits and put it into my fund for charity.

Now with this initial funding in I will be able to purchase my T on Monday and purchase my plane ticket to see my mother and father in Nevada.

Deep breath…..moving forward

No Passport Needed Here

I’ve been watching a replay of the live coverage of the 9-11 event. I am forever grateful that I didn’t lose a loved on or even an acquaintance in the towers, the Pentagon or in PA. Though our government is not isolationist; our people, for the most part, are. The news is filled with a lot of the stupid, ignorant and racist things people in our country do. But, for the most part Americans are a ve…

ry kind, loving and wonderful people. We love a hero and we root for the underdog. Our country was built by underdogs – or at least France and the UK thought we were underdogs. We have a spirit of survival and will always rebuild. We are a country of optimists and not the pessimists that too often is portrayed by the GOP and the Tea Party. I believe one of the reasons why President Obama won even though he had no experience was his ability to pull deep into the hearts of the American people our deeply held belief that there is always hope.

For some 9-11 opened their eyes to what goes on around the world in our name. For others their fear created a deep hatred for others. I understand fear as I have had fear myself. But, it is what one does with that fear that makes them a great American. If one can look at their fear in the eye and grab hope instead of hatred a new society can be founded. I believe that is what is going on in the USA right now. The ultimate battle between hope and fear. Such deeply held convictions don’t die easily which is likely why this battled has been waged for so long.

Though I grew up in Europe as a child and teenager I was raised by Americans and my mother is a Brooklyn born and bred New Yorker – I was raised with the fighting spirit. Not a fighting spirit of battle with guns even though I was raised in the military but the fighting spirit that one stands up for their convictions and after dusting oneself off we turn and extend our hand to those who need help getting up.

But, this is not a uniquely American experience – there are so many examples of this fighting spirit throughout the world. We take the credit for the first country to fight against tyranny but there were others before us. The Magna Carta in Great Britain – Oliver Cromwell in the UK – and there are, of course, other examples throughout history. But, ours was the first country built by and for the people. The revolutionaries in Iran back in 79 said that many of them were influenced by ‘The Federalist Papers’. We have influenced so many others.

It is time for us to influence ourselves again. It is time for us to find out what kind of people we are. Are we a people of fear for which we lash out against others who are different or are we a people with hope who extend a helping hand to others?

We need to decide and decide soon as too many others are being hurt because of our inability to act. Rosa Luxemburg and Klara Zetkin said that in order to be rid of the strife of the world we need to be rid of borders between our countries. I believe we need to do that in order to grow as a people. But, before we are able to get rid of the borders between our countries be need to be free of the borders in our minds.

Smile At The Pretty Girls

I had to go to the bodega this evening and pick up a few items. While there a young woman kept checking me out and smiled at me when she left. I walked out right behind her and she turned and flashed me a smile before going her way. Another woman was pushing her laundry cart and looked up at me and smiled then almost fell to the ground as she wasn’t looking where she was going. She was terribly embarrassed. I’m no longer amazed when I ‘pass’. I don’t really think of it as passing any longer even though I haven’t had my chest surgery. They don’t look at my binded chest as they see the facial hair so why would they look at my chest. Their eyes would divert about 2.5 feet lower and I have had that  happen. Yes, the ladies do indeed look at a man’s crotch.

As I walked back I smiled to myself. I like being seen as the man that I am and not David the FTM guy or David the transguy. I like it that women look at me as someone sexy much unlike many queer women e who say they can date me because I don’t have certain male body bits 2.5 feet below the neck. I often wonder if these queer women really see me as a man. It caused me to frown. True many run around in my community saying that the gender is in the brain and not the body but if that is the case then why don’t queer women date cisgender men? I haven’t posed that question to them as I only just thought about it this evening.

I think that is why I felt so alive this afternoon when I was papertrading before getting ready for my full time day trading when I get my funds. I haven’t felt that much joy in a long time. I haven’t traded for almost a year since recovering from my knee surgery last year. I felt so me, David, male and not David the FTM, not David the transguy, not David who doesn’t have a 6 inch dick. Merrill Lynch doesn’t care where my money comes from as long as they can earn money on the trades I am asking them to execute.

I had posted that I wasn’t ready to date. That given my own health issues I likely only have about 15 years to live anyway and I want a calm life. A couple of folks told me to just get a grip and go out and date. I know they mean well but they are not me. They are not the ones who have to negotiate missing body parts for the gender they are. It’s something else to have to deal with emotionally.

Have I really accepted myself as I am? Is this the reason why I am not interested in dating? I have my attractions but I don’t really have the urge to act on them. I think about it from time to time but it just seems like it would get too emotionally messy for me.

Is it enough for me to have a  women smile at me? Turn and look at me and smile again? Almost trip and fall to the pavement because she was looking at me? Will that sustain me? I dunno. But, I do know that I get lost and forget about all of it when I am trading. I don’t have to think about the world and hatred and murder of my brothers and sisters. I started to watch the DEM convention but they are just going to talk about what I already know. It started to depress me that we still have to continue our fight.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being reminded of the hatred.

I saw this photo today of a lovely cubby hole type street in Italy. My shoulders relaxed, I took a deep breath. I so wanted to live there where no one knew me.

I would so love to run away from home just for a little while and not hear anything about FTMs, transfolks, MTF, homosexuals, the Tea Party, taxes, the election, rape, abortion, marriage equality. I just want to sit on that little village street in Italy with the sun in my face, smell the flowers and smile at the pretty girls as they pass by. Nothing more, just that.

Musical Freedom

I had a lot of plans for today ~ clean up my financial subcriptions, do laundry, clear out the living room to prepare for my new table (nothing fancy just a long inexpensive table) but instead all I did was lay around in my underoos, listening to classical music and snuggle with Tommy and Sammy. I really needed that. How wonderfully relaxing and non-stressful. I was introduced to classical music in school when I was in the 7th grade. It is a shame that the arts are defunded in schools. Art reaches deep into the soul. I think if we had more arts in schools there might be more compassion for others. Instead it is just get them in and shove them out and who cares what they learn. School is starting and I have to say I respect the heck out of teachers in such an environment with the GOP wanting to take money away. I knew a couple of teachers and out of their own hard earned money the paid for supplies for their classes.

I still remember what it was I listened to in my music class. It was Aaron Copeland’s conducting Billy the Kid. I don’t know why I remember this as this was back in 1969. I thought it was so beautiful – so powerful. It resonated with me at 12 years of age. Since then classical music has always reached deep into my heart and soul pulling out feelings I could never express in the written word.

I’m listening to this again and seeing myself as a young 12 year old in that class. I sat next to the window. I remember feeling a feeling of being free and running without inhibition. At that time in school I was bullied and picked on in school. It was a sad time for me upstate in Rome, NY. But, when I heard this I could hear him conducting and it was as if the wind was blowing lightly on my face…I imagined hills, green pastures with wild flowers and freedom – I could also hear the struggle and strife in other parts. It was as if Aaron was conducting the battle hyme for freedom that my little 12 year old FTM was fighting for.

Do I? Don’t I?

I read my email this morning and Match.com sent me 9 matches. I read through them. There were only two that I am interested in. I am not contacting any of them at the moment. Right now I am just looking. Dipping my toe into the water to see who is out there. My friends think that  I am not interested in a relationship but I think what it really is is not that I don’t want a relationship but I am mostly burned out. I have dated some really nice women in my past. The problem is that they have an idea of what I am like. They haven’t wanted to know the real me. I had asked one girlfriend why she dumped me. She was at least honest. She told me that I was nothing but a Mexican fantasy for her.

That really hurt.

Another wouldn’t hug me when I was sad and asked where the strong person was that she fell in love with.

That really hurt.

So for three years I have stayed single by choice. I used to have a lot of one night stands and that was because that was all women wanted from me. Just sex. But, it was incredibly lonely.

I stopped having one night stands.

Then I fell in love for the first time. We were going to get married.

But, then she started drinking.

That really hurt.

I got tired of hurting.

So, I was determined to just stay single.

Then all of this with my father happened. Though my growing up was very tough at times the one thing that was constant was my family. My mother and father were always there for each other. They still are.

That is what I always wanted. I didn’t do quick relationships and marriages. As a matter of fact outside of this last relationship I hadn’t lived with anyone for over 17 years.

So, I am going to try again. Perhaps I won’t find something like my parents marriage and that is okay. Theirs wasn’t perfect. But, it would be nice to find a woman who is brave enough to want to be with me and not need to be with me. A woman who doesn’t see  me as some fantasy.

I’m willing to risk being hurt again.

So, I see an ad from a woman who is supposed to be a match. Everything she says is exactly what I am looking for in a potential partner. I am not going to answer her ad though as she is looking for a man who can give her children. I can’t do that. Though, there are other options. The reason why I am not answering her ad is because though I want to get involved with someone right now I am testing the waters by looking.

I’m still a bit skiddish.

Baby steps.

I need to be gentle with myself.

Because no one else ever has been. If I want someone to be gentle and loving with me I need to make sure I am gentle and loving with myself first.

That way if everything else fails I know I was loving with myself.

It has to start somewhere.

Tommy and Sammy Would Like That Too

I think I am going to go ahead and open an account with that FTM dating site. I was going to wait until after my surgery but it’s not like I am going to be getting married in two months. I’m not looking for a quick hook up and a one night stand either. People think I am a player but I’m not. I just don’t rush into anything. I see folks get together then get married only a few months later. I may move slower than the average guy but it doesn’t mean I don’t like someone.  I am the kind of guy who takes relationships serious.I think it’s a good idea to take my time and get to know the girl and make sure I really do like her and not the idea of her. Too many people fall in love with the idea of love or they fall in lust.  Should I find the right woman I wouldn’t be against getting married either at some point in the future.  So, while I still have to get my surgery done in a couple of months and get my self-employment going there is nothing wrong with seeing who is out there that I might be interested in getting to know.

It would be nice to find a woman I could eventually settle down with. Tommy and Sammy would probably like that too. And if not and it doesn’t happen that is okay too.

Don’t Need It – But, It’s Nice To Know It’s Around

In my journey to complete my transition I haven’t really given much thought into finding a life long partner or even a short term partner. Right now my focus is my pending chest surgery. I am currently waiting on funding and losing more weight. I have lost about 63 pound and I want to lose another 20 pounds prior to having my chest surgery. Why get my chest surgery if I am overweight and don’t have healthy eating patterns? I will just wind up spending all that money to remove my female chest just to get it back by fat accumulation from a poor diet and no exercise. So that is my focus right now. Don’t get me wrong – I do have my attractions. But, it is not my most important focus right now.

But, with that said it does cross my mind from time to time that my dating pool is somewhat limited.  I am also very particular. I have dated large women, small women, brunettes, redheads, blondes. Poor women, middle-class women and wealthy women. I have dated women who were high school drop outs and women who have their Ph.D. I have dated no collar, to blue collar to white collar. I’ve been around the block several times and I now know what type of woman I am looking for. Some  guys settle. Not me. I know what I want.

I’m going to flat out say it. She has to be attractive to me. Yes, yes, yes I hear over and over again that it’s not the looks, it is the personality. Sorry no. I have dated several women who are not attractive by any means of what society thinks is hot yet I found them hot. I have dated women who were hot to me and also hot to society. In all of those cases I wouldn’t have gone out with them if they didn’t have a personality I liked. Unless it was a one night stand then it didn’t matter. But, yes – the woman I go out with has to be attractive to me. I thought a few times I was just being shallow and went out with a woman who was very nice but I wasn’t physically attracted to her. It didn’t go well. I tried and tried and tried but finally said the hell with it. I have to be attracted to the person I am dating. Again, what I think is attractive and what society thinks is attractive might be different or it might not be but no – I am sorry..actually – no, I am not sorry. I have to think she is hot if I am going to have sex with her. But, she has to have personality as well.

End of story.

With that said there wasn’t much out there with regards to where to find women. I have basically left the b-f community. I’m not signed up to websites that say butch-femme. Those are for butches and femmes as far as I am concerned – lesbians. They say that transmen are welcome. That’s nice but they could mean trans-butches and not FTMs. Besides, I want to go and meet women who find an FTM to be a man and not just a really masculine butch. I have encountered that before. I have no problem with them not wanting to go out with an FTM. Why should they if they are not attracted to FTMs? For the same reason I won’t go out with someone who has a nice personality who I am not attracted to. Let’s cut through the politically correct BS and we are all a lot happier that way.

I don’t date lesbians. I date femmes, hetrosexual women and bi-sexual women. Not lesbians.

I found a website that caters to guys like me. Thank goodness.

I didn’t sign up but after my surgery and after getting myself set up with working for myself then I might take a look at it. I’m not in any rush. I like my life just as it is. Calm, peaceful and relaxed. I like living with myself and hanging out with my friends when I can. If I don’t find a partner that is okay too.

I am not rushing to find love or even sex right now. I don’t need it but it’s nice to know it’s around if I want it.

http://www.ftmlover.com/index.php

On A Lighter Note

Okay, I just don’t get women. They LOVE cats! They feed them, scratch them on the belly and think they are adorable when they sleep on the couch. Yet when I want them to just feed me, scratch my belly and ask to be left alone to nap all day that I get dumped! I mean, come on WTF?