Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

My mother and I spoke yesterday. The doctor has changed his diagnosis. He said that my father has likely 6 months – a year if we are lucky. We thought we had 1.5 years at worse.

Not anymore.

My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. out of JFK. I am flying Jet Blue – My friends have told me that is a good airline to fly.

Waiting…………

Las Vegas

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Emotions, Family
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I have my plane ticket to fly out and see my mother and father.

My father is still in the hospital. He has now been in the hospital for almost two months. He hasn’t improved and the doctor has opined that he likely won’t live longer than 1.5 years, if that. I have mourned as has my mother but I know when she and I see each other after so many years we will mourn again together. He is still alive of course but we are currently mourning the man we knew. A man who was always aware of his surroundings and able to make decisions. So, he is alive but no longer the man he was. It won’t make it easier for when he does pass but I suppose in a way we do have something to be grateful for. (My family always tries to find the good in a bad situation) We are at least grateful that we are going to be prepared for this and it isn’t a sudden death. The other thing we are so ever grateful for is that he is not in pain. So many don’t have that opportunity and have to deal with a sudden death or their loved one has a long painful death. So, while it is horrible that I am losing my father – I am not losing him suddenly and with him in pain.

I leave this coming Monday and fly into Las Vegas. I will be there for two weeks. I may extend my stay but am not sure at this point. It will be so strange to see so many people in a celebratory mood when my mother and I are in such pain. Though, I don’t begrudge them and I am not angry about it. After all, I am sure there have been times I have been in a happy mood and nearby there was someone dealing with terrible pain.

It is a part of life. Celebrations and sadness. I keep my focus by remembering this is all a part of life.

So, I fly out to Las Vegas – not to mourn but to prepare for my dad’s passing but also to celebrate.

To celebrate the wonderful years I had and still have with my father.

See, my dad was not just a sperm donor.

He is a  dad.

He is a loving father.

I haven’t had my surgery yet.

So, when I see him he will see his daughter.

They both know I am in transition. But, though we have spoken on the telephone we haven’t seen each other in years. It is all new to them.

. He is not himself. He is hallucinating and sometimes forgets where he is.

So, I – David will be his daughter while I am there.

And that’s okay because sometimes not everything is about me.

Fuck Off

Posted: September 23, 2012 in Community Ignorance, Emotions, Family, Racism

A lot of people in the east coast don’t know what Mexican-Americans deal with in the west coast. It was one of the reasons why I left California and had to leave Texas. The horrible racism there against Mexicans is horrid. Many don’t know that there were Jim Crowe Brown laws – Mexicans and Mexican-Americans were refused service, not allowed to live in certain area, not allowed in some stores, bars, schools and other establishments. The KKK hung my people as well. I went to a civilian high school for my senior year only. It was the first time I experienced racism to that extent. In the military we were all a bunch of poor people of color trying to make a living. My father won a scholarship to study engineering at the University of Southern California. When he went to his high school counselor they told him that Mexicans didn’t go to college. My father grew up very poor and sometimes all he ate were the strawberries he picked in the fields with his two younger brothers and his father. (My dad was 7 when he worked in the fields.) When I graduated from high school and was looking for work my white friend was offered a job in a bank and the only jobs I was offered were working in the fields, the cannery or as a cleaning person.

I’ve just found out that this racism is persisting – my mother didn’t want to tell me as she knew I would go ballistic. When I get to the hospital next week I will be ripping off some fucking heads off.

I am so glad my people are finally fighting back in places like Arizona. But, I will never be free of it as it started – the racism – against Mexicans here in the east coast. I thought I had gotten away from it. It’s not as bad here in NYC as there are so many other people here as well. It’s mostly in Long Island and Staten Island.

But, it’s here – it is everywhere.

I am so fucking sick and tired of it.

It’s my country. My people were here first.

Fuck off.

I watched a business show earlier about Ferrari and then all day long it showed the long lines in Asia, Europe and the USA waiting for the new iPhone. It was such excess. It was quite disturbing to say the least. I had an iPhone and it was nice. It was a fun phone but my new carrier doesn’t have the iPhone yet. I am not missing it much. I like my phone. Though, I don’t use it much to be honest as I don’t really call anyone. I don’t chat on the telephone much. I don’t drive either. There are so many in the world who need so much. I am not begrudging anyone to have nice things – not at all. If you can afford it by all means have at it. But, to sleep in line for 5 days for an iPhone when your old iPhone is just as good?

The Kindle Fire has a new tablet. It does what the iPad does. I thought about it for a second and then had to double think that real quick. I don’t need one. I am fine with the Kindle Fire that I have. When I go out if I need to go on the internet I have my cell phone for that. I always download everything I need on my Kindle Fire before I leave. I suppose buying things makes one feel better. I know because I used to spend my paycheck buying things to make myself feel better. Since recovering from my knee surgery and making the decision to work for myself I haven’t been happier in my life and have found that I don’t have that urge to buy and spend money for that instant gratification I used to have. I can go out and buy that 60 inch television I have been dreaming about. But, to be honest I can watch my Mets lose on my 32 inch television just as much as I can on a 60 inch television. All the stupid video games I have didn’t make me feel better.

I’m happy with my MTA card. What makes me happy are my two silly boys. I’ve also made friends with someone. We were friends before but we had a chat about a week ago and when we chatted it was a really deep connection. I haven’t let anyone inside like that and I felt so safe. It’s not a dating thing – She didn’t want anything from me and I didn’t want anything from her except a friendship – one that feels safe and I didn’t have to be big tough David. I will take that over any Ferarri, iPhone or mansion any day.

I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now – but, a lot of people are dealing with a lot of things in their life. I am not special, better or worse off than anyone else. But, I have learned that an iPhone and a Ferarri can’t fix anything and sometimes all it takes is a deep connection with another human being and sometimes a vanilla yogurt thrown in for good measure.

Barbara

Posted: September 12, 2012 in Emotions
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The market is closed. I did well in my paper trading. Had a good day researching. Almost finished with my business plan. I’m listening to Barbara Streisandand then I sit back. I have had one of the worse 6 weeks of my life and it is ongoing as I haven’t heard back yet on my father’s recent surgery today. As I sat back with fingertips rested along my neck I tilted my head back and took a deep breath – I am going to be okay. I live in the most wonderful city in the world. A place where I can make my dreams come true. Barbara has a way of making a guy think that everything is going to be okay.

I had to go to the bodega this evening and pick up a few items. While there a young woman kept checking me out and smiled at me when she left. I walked out right behind her and she turned and flashed me a smile before going her way. Another woman was pushing her laundry cart and looked up at me and smiled then almost fell to the ground as she wasn’t looking where she was going. She was terribly embarrassed. I’m no longer amazed when I ‘pass’. I don’t really think of it as passing any longer even though I haven’t had my chest surgery. They don’t look at my binded chest as they see the facial hair so why would they look at my chest. Their eyes would divert about 2.5 feet lower and I have had that  happen. Yes, the ladies do indeed look at a man’s crotch.

As I walked back I smiled to myself. I like being seen as the man that I am and not David the FTM guy or David the transguy. I like it that women look at me as someone sexy much unlike many queer women e who say they can date me because I don’t have certain male body bits 2.5 feet below the neck. I often wonder if these queer women really see me as a man. It caused me to frown. True many run around in my community saying that the gender is in the brain and not the body but if that is the case then why don’t queer women date cisgender men? I haven’t posed that question to them as I only just thought about it this evening.

I think that is why I felt so alive this afternoon when I was papertrading before getting ready for my full time day trading when I get my funds. I haven’t felt that much joy in a long time. I haven’t traded for almost a year since recovering from my knee surgery last year. I felt so me, David, male and not David the FTM, not David the transguy, not David who doesn’t have a 6 inch dick. Merrill Lynch doesn’t care where my money comes from as long as they can earn money on the trades I am asking them to execute.

I had posted that I wasn’t ready to date. That given my own health issues I likely only have about 15 years to live anyway and I want a calm life. A couple of folks told me to just get a grip and go out and date. I know they mean well but they are not me. They are not the ones who have to negotiate missing body parts for the gender they are. It’s something else to have to deal with emotionally.

Have I really accepted myself as I am? Is this the reason why I am not interested in dating? I have my attractions but I don’t really have the urge to act on them. I think about it from time to time but it just seems like it would get too emotionally messy for me.

Is it enough for me to have a  women smile at me? Turn and look at me and smile again? Almost trip and fall to the pavement because she was looking at me? Will that sustain me? I dunno. But, I do know that I get lost and forget about all of it when I am trading. I don’t have to think about the world and hatred and murder of my brothers and sisters. I started to watch the DEM convention but they are just going to talk about what I already know. It started to depress me that we still have to continue our fight.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being reminded of the hatred.

I saw this photo today of a lovely cubby hole type street in Italy. My shoulders relaxed, I took a deep breath. I so wanted to live there where no one knew me.

I would so love to run away from home just for a little while and not hear anything about FTMs, transfolks, MTF, homosexuals, the Tea Party, taxes, the election, rape, abortion, marriage equality. I just want to sit on that little village street in Italy with the sun in my face, smell the flowers and smile at the pretty girls as they pass by. Nothing more, just that.

I had a chat with my mother yesterday. My father is still in and out of hallucinations and not clear. His lungs still have water in them.

Though he is not in immediate signs of death as he was last week he has not improved outside of that. The hospital is doing brain scan on him due to the possibility of brain damage from the lack of oxygen. The doctor’s give him 2 years at most to live due to him having only 50% of his heart working. He has already undergone two heart surgeries and nothing has helped him.

Yesterday I surrendered to the fact that my father is no longer who he is. My mother and I spoke about it. She is now also coming to the realization that her husband may no longer physically and mentally be the man she married.

We are always the eternal optimists though and are hoping for the best. We are giving it two more weeks to see if there is any change in his condition. If not then I will be flying out there probably mid-September to tune up her car, change the plugs, show her how to balance the checkbook, go over their health insurance policies, show her what I will need to do their taxes for them next year, check their furnace and clean it out for her and other things that my father used to do.

Fortunately, my mother is very popular in their little village so she has lots of friends looking in on her. I won’t have to worry about her in that aspect.

Though, we know he is in there somewhere as she read my letter to him and though he didn’t show any outward appearance of having heard it when she tried to put the letter away he took it and held it close to his chest.

We’ve come to a place of acceptance and hope for the best but know that someday this time will come.