Archive for September, 2012

I was able to get my T again. I have been back on it for almost a week. I feel it back in my body again.

Welcome home.


Las Vegas

Posted: September 26, 2012 in Emotions, Family
Tags: , , , , ,

I have my plane ticket to fly out and see my mother and father.

My father is still in the hospital. He has now been in the hospital for almost two months. He hasn’t improved and the doctor has opined that he likely won’t live longer than 1.5 years, if that. I have mourned as has my mother but I know when she and I see each other after so many years we will mourn again together. He is still alive of course but we are currently mourning the man we knew. A man who was always aware of his surroundings and able to make decisions. So, he is alive but no longer the man he was. It won’t make it easier for when he does pass but I suppose in a way we do have something to be grateful for. (My family always tries to find the good in a bad situation) We are at least grateful that we are going to be prepared for this and it isn’t a sudden death. The other thing we are so ever grateful for is that he is not in pain. So many don’t have that opportunity and have to deal with a sudden death or their loved one has a long painful death. So, while it is horrible that I am losing my father – I am not losing him suddenly and with him in pain.

I leave this coming Monday and fly into Las Vegas. I will be there for two weeks. I may extend my stay but am not sure at this point. It will be so strange to see so many people in a celebratory mood when my mother and I are in such pain. Though, I don’t begrudge them and I am not angry about it. After all, I am sure there have been times I have been in a happy mood and nearby there was someone dealing with terrible pain.

It is a part of life. Celebrations and sadness. I keep my focus by remembering this is all a part of life.

So, I fly out to Las Vegas – not to mourn but to prepare for my dad’s passing but also to celebrate.

To celebrate the wonderful years I had and still have with my father.

See, my dad was not just a sperm donor.

He is a  dad.

He is a loving father.

I haven’t had my surgery yet.

So, when I see him he will see his daughter.

They both know I am in transition. But, though we have spoken on the telephone we haven’t seen each other in years. It is all new to them.

. He is not himself. He is hallucinating and sometimes forgets where he is.

So, I – David will be his daughter while I am there.

And that’s okay because sometimes not everything is about me.

Fuck Off

Posted: September 23, 2012 in Community Ignorance, Emotions, Family, Racism

A lot of people in the east coast don’t know what Mexican-Americans deal with in the west coast. It was one of the reasons why I left California and had to leave Texas. The horrible racism there against Mexicans is horrid. Many don’t know that there were Jim Crowe Brown laws – Mexicans and Mexican-Americans were refused service, not allowed to live in certain area, not allowed in some stores, bars, schools and other establishments. The KKK hung my people as well. I went to a civilian high school for my senior year only. It was the first time I experienced racism to that extent. In the military we were all a bunch of poor people of color trying to make a living. My father won a scholarship to study engineering at the University of Southern California. When he went to his high school counselor they told him that Mexicans didn’t go to college. My father grew up very poor and sometimes all he ate were the strawberries he picked in the fields with his two younger brothers and his father. (My dad was 7 when he worked in the fields.) When I graduated from high school and was looking for work my white friend was offered a job in a bank and the only jobs I was offered were working in the fields, the cannery or as a cleaning person.

I’ve just found out that this racism is persisting – my mother didn’t want to tell me as she knew I would go ballistic. When I get to the hospital next week I will be ripping off some fucking heads off.

I am so glad my people are finally fighting back in places like Arizona. But, I will never be free of it as it started – the racism – against Mexicans here in the east coast. I thought I had gotten away from it. It’s not as bad here in NYC as there are so many other people here as well. It’s mostly in Long Island and Staten Island.

But, it’s here – it is everywhere.

I am so fucking sick and tired of it.

It’s my country. My people were here first.

Fuck off.

I watched a business show earlier about Ferrari and then all day long it showed the long lines in Asia, Europe and the USA waiting for the new iPhone. It was such excess. It was quite disturbing to say the least. I had an iPhone and it was nice. It was a fun phone but my new carrier doesn’t have the iPhone yet. I am not missing it much. I like my phone. Though, I don’t use it much to be honest as I don’t really call anyone. I don’t chat on the telephone much. I don’t drive either. There are so many in the world who need so much. I am not begrudging anyone to have nice things – not at all. If you can afford it by all means have at it. But, to sleep in line for 5 days for an iPhone when your old iPhone is just as good?

The Kindle Fire has a new tablet. It does what the iPad does. I thought about it for a second and then had to double think that real quick. I don’t need one. I am fine with the Kindle Fire that I have. When I go out if I need to go on the internet I have my cell phone for that. I always download everything I need on my Kindle Fire before I leave. I suppose buying things makes one feel better. I know because I used to spend my paycheck buying things to make myself feel better. Since recovering from my knee surgery and making the decision to work for myself I haven’t been happier in my life and have found that I don’t have that urge to buy and spend money for that instant gratification I used to have. I can go out and buy that 60 inch television I have been dreaming about. But, to be honest I can watch my Mets lose on my 32 inch television just as much as I can on a 60 inch television. All the stupid video games I have didn’t make me feel better.

I’m happy with my MTA card. What makes me happy are my two silly boys. I’ve also made friends with someone. We were friends before but we had a chat about a week ago and when we chatted it was a really deep connection. I haven’t let anyone inside like that and I felt so safe. It’s not a dating thing – She didn’t want anything from me and I didn’t want anything from her except a friendship – one that feels safe and I didn’t have to be big tough David. I will take that over any Ferarri, iPhone or mansion any day.

I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now – but, a lot of people are dealing with a lot of things in their life. I am not special, better or worse off than anyone else. But, I have learned that an iPhone and a Ferarri can’t fix anything and sometimes all it takes is a deep connection with another human being and sometimes a vanilla yogurt thrown in for good measure.

Below is a link for a study done by The Scottish Transgender Alliance. I thought I would post it. It is quite long. (96 pages) On another note. I was able to get my T refilled yesterday. After two weeks without it – I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders as I put it on again. What a terrible feeling not being able to have my T. That feeling made me even more determined to make my foundation a success. There are so many who can’t afford their hormones. I hope that once the Affordable Care Act goes into effect all of us can have the dignity of having our hormones and surgery.

I am very relieved. I received the first third of my funding in the mail today. This is the beginning of my new career. I was so nervous putting the money in the bank. Not because I am afraid of spending it foolishly but because I’m making the leap to work for myself and not rely on a steady paycheck from an employer. I will have to rely on myself for money, pay for my own health insurance and retirement plan. (In my last job I had health insurance, job security even in this bad economy and I also had not only a 401 plan but a pension with supplemental health insurance for after retirement.) But, what is even more important to me is my foundation to help others. This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time. I have made small monthly donations but I want to do more. I want to help others like me pay for surgery and hormones. I want to help the young members of our MTF/FTM community have a safe place to be when their parents have kicked them out of the house.

I have confidence but at the same time it is mixed with caution and concern because if don’t do this right a few small trades could wipe me out. I’ve studied the market for many years and I have a good mind for business and world affairs as well as market psychology. Many people go into this expecting to become millionaires overnight. They are usually the ones who figure out they should have learned the market and finance BEFORE they started in the market. I’m not looking to become a millionaire. I have what I need. A nice little messy apartment, two goofy little boy cats and will be able to afford my surgery.

I am still waiting for two more funding checks to come in. Once that is in I will be able to begin my new venture full force. Right now I have a smaller amount which is good. I expect losses – everyone in the market has losses. Success in the market is to know how to cut our losses to a minimal. At the end of each year I will take 1/3 of my profits and put it into my fund for charity.

Now with this initial funding in I will be able to purchase my T on Monday and purchase my plane ticket to see my mother and father in Nevada.

Deep breath…..moving forward

The testosterone is out of my body. My funding hasn’t come in and now I have been off of my T for two weeks. Androgel doesn’t stay in the body very long. It is applied daily. I was on the train coming home and I just started tearing for no reason whatsoever. I kept my eyes closed and would rub them so no one would see. I wasn’t even thinking of anything in particular either to bring it on. I am just grateful that I am post-menopausal so I don’t have high levels of estrogen in my body or I would be a complete emotional mess right now.
As it is without my testosterone I am starting to lose my clarity that I have when I am on my testosterone. I’ve been racing to the mailbox everyday hoping my funding would come in so that I can get my ticket to Nevada and also pick up my T. Someone had asked me the other day if it is addicting. No, it’s not addicting but something that completes me physically and emotionally. I can’t stand being without it. I hope my funding comes in tomorrow.