Archive for the ‘Appearance’ Category

Below is a link for a study done by The Scottish Transgender Alliance. I thought I would post it. It is quite long. (96 pages) On another note. I was able to get my T refilled yesterday. After two weeks without it – I felt such a weight lifted from my shoulders as I put it on again. What a terrible feeling not being able to have my T. That feeling made me even more determined to make my foundation a success. There are so many who can’t afford their hormones. I hope that once the Affordable Care Act goes into effect all of us can have the dignity of having our hormones and surgery.


I am 55 years old but I’m fortunate that I don’t have much grey hair. I have nothing against aging. I actually like it to be honest. I just don’t like looking old. A few ages lines here and there – a little grey here and there. But, a full head of grey hair would not be to my liking. My father is 76 (or 77) and he still has a full head of black hair. (With grey mixed in here and there)

With that said, (written) I looked at my budding beard and discovered two grey hairs. That’s it! I am going to shave it off.

Last night I waited on the subway platform along with the rest of the tired and worn out New Yorkers. Humidity can make even the strongest tired and cranky. The R train arrived and the zombie apocolypse entered the train and sat. I leaned back, exhausted and rested my head against the wall.

Something was wrong.

I looked around.

Something was indeed wrong but I couldn’t figure it out. I looked across from me, to my left, to my right. I didn’t know what it was.

Then it hit me.

No one was looking at me.

No one was trying to figure out my gender.

No one quickly darted their eyes away from me when I caught them staring.

I was tempted to ask someone why they weren’t staring at me.

I haven’t had anyone not stare at me for well over – well, I can’t say how long it’s been.

I looked around again.


No one was staring disapprovingly.

No one

Not one fucking person.

I lay my head back against the wall.

And shut my eyes

I pass.

I completely pass

I didn’t allow myself to relax completely.

Now I look like the Latino man that I am

And we are still a target


With the grey hair

I look like an older Latino






Hair Club For Men Will Have



I’ve been working out quite a bit – kettle bells, free weights, boxing bag and speed bag. I’ve been using the treadmill and eating properly. I’ve lost about 60 pounds since I had total knee replacement surgery last year. I need to lose another 50 pounds and I will be where I want to be. I’m getting there much faster than I thought.

 I used to be very athletic when I was younger but fell out of it as I got older and became more dissatisfied with my body. As a female I was considered ‘hot’ and men would always flirt with me. Having grown up in a conservative military life I was surrounded by hatred which translated into self-hatred. I also had no information about homosexuals as the base library didn’t have information about that. I was born in the 50’s and so the 70’s wasn’t exactly a bastion of information about homosexuality not to mention being a transsexual. So, with that I tried to fit in.

Being a ‘hot’ girl gave me multiple men to choose from. I always had the hottest boyfriends. As a matter of fact after I finally came out of the closet when I ventured into the civilian world I met up with an old classmate of mine. I came out to her and she got angry. I asked her why she was so angry. She told me that she wished I had come out as a teenager because I took all the hot boys in high school and she couldn’t get a one and now she is pissed because the lesbian in high school had all the hot boys.

A few women have said that I will turn gay once I transition because ‘we all’ turn gay. I thought that was funny at first because we don’t all turn gay. There are many of us who are straight men. But, I kept reading more and more about it. I have discovered that many of us straight men don’t stay in the LGBT community as the gay ones and that could be a reason why so many think we will turn gay. Besides, I have been on T for three years and I am still not gay.

I also read an article about this. It would seem that there is some thought that the ones who turned into gay men may have indeed always harbored some attraction towards men but felt pressured to be lesbians. That doesn’t make any sense. If they liked men then why not date them in the first place. The other thought was that because FTMs have transitioned they may be interested in exploring penises and so turn to men. I dated more than my share of men prior to coming out of the closet thinking I was a lesbian. I’ve seen my share of penises. I’m pretty much done looking at them. The only one I like is mine. It’s little but it’s mine.

I haven’t had bottom surgery.  I would like to but the surgery isn’t perfected for what I want. The cost is also very expensive not to mention the series of surgeries that need to be done in order to have something even close to what I want. At my age and with my past health issues I am not sure my body could handle all of the procedures involved with having bottom surgery. There seems to be some kick in the community to go around calling ourselves men with vaginas. I hate that. Hearing it just makes me cringe. I don’t like being reminded that I have female body parts. While I can appreciate the fact that some men don’t take issue with it – what I really don’t appreciate is that they seem to think it’s okay to force their feelings about their body onto me. I don’t want that part of my body brought up, I don’t acknowledge it, I don’t want it touched and I don’t want it fucked.

My world is binary

And so is my body

I thought I would write a ‘heads up’ post.

I am writing about body hair as for the first time I can grow it out without having to shave in the morning before heading to work for an employer.  I’ve had facial hair for a while.

I’ve been on T for three years. Having spoken to other Mexican-American men it can and will likely take longer to develop facial hair. With that said we don’t tend to be hairy as other cultures. My changes with T have certainly taken effect in the other areas – areas that I am not willing to share publicly at this time. My voice has also changed. So, though I don’t have a lot of facial hair I have been on T for a total of three years. The time I was taken off of T did not create any additional female changes as I was post menopause when I initially started T. So, there was no regression. It simply did not advance further development of hair – my voice and other physical changes remained the same.

Also, a note on the hair – is that I am only ¼ Italian – the other ¼ is Nordic which also does not tend to have the facial and body hair of other cultures. So, mix the 1/4 Nordic and the ½ Mexican-American (Native American Indian) and no, I am not going to be a hairy man.

The comments I write are not always thoughts that I am having at that time – they are often times reflections of my experiences from when I first started T or they may be from what I am feeling at the current time.


Posted: July 5, 2012 in Appearance
Tags: , ,


What a difference a day makes – yesterday I was wanting to grow my hair back and wasn’t too much into my facial hair. But, this morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. I crossed my arms to hide my chest and saw myself – really saw myself for the first time. I like the shorter hair, the tattoos and the facial hair.

How many people actually get to witness their birth?