Archive for the ‘Dating/Relationships’ Category

I had to go to the bodega this evening and pick up a few items. While there a young woman kept checking me out and smiled at me when she left. I walked out right behind her and she turned and flashed me a smile before going her way. Another woman was pushing her laundry cart and looked up at me and smiled then almost fell to the ground as she wasn’t looking where she was going. She was terribly embarrassed. I’m no longer amazed when I ‘pass’. I don’t really think of it as passing any longer even though I haven’t had my chest surgery. They don’t look at my binded chest as they see the facial hair so why would they look at my chest. Their eyes would divert about 2.5 feet lower and I have had that  happen. Yes, the ladies do indeed look at a man’s crotch.

As I walked back I smiled to myself. I like being seen as the man that I am and not David the FTM guy or David the transguy. I like it that women look at me as someone sexy much unlike many queer women e who say they can date me because I don’t have certain male body bits 2.5 feet below the neck. I often wonder if these queer women really see me as a man. It caused me to frown. True many run around in my community saying that the gender is in the brain and not the body but if that is the case then why don’t queer women date cisgender men? I haven’t posed that question to them as I only just thought about it this evening.

I think that is why I felt so alive this afternoon when I was papertrading before getting ready for my full time day trading when I get my funds. I haven’t felt that much joy in a long time. I haven’t traded for almost a year since recovering from my knee surgery last year. I felt so me, David, male and not David the FTM, not David the transguy, not David who doesn’t have a 6 inch dick. Merrill Lynch doesn’t care where my money comes from as long as they can earn money on the trades I am asking them to execute.

I had posted that I wasn’t ready to date. That given my own health issues I likely only have about 15 years to live anyway and I want a calm life. A couple of folks told me to just get a grip and go out and date. I know they mean well but they are not me. They are not the ones who have to negotiate missing body parts for the gender they are. It’s something else to have to deal with emotionally.

Have I really accepted myself as I am? Is this the reason why I am not interested in dating? I have my attractions but I don’t really have the urge to act on them. I think about it from time to time but it just seems like it would get too emotionally messy for me.

Is it enough for me to have a  women smile at me? Turn and look at me and smile again? Almost trip and fall to the pavement because she was looking at me? Will that sustain me? I dunno. But, I do know that I get lost and forget about all of it when I am trading. I don’t have to think about the world and hatred and murder of my brothers and sisters. I started to watch the DEM convention but they are just going to talk about what I already know. It started to depress me that we still have to continue our fight.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being reminded of the hatred.

I saw this photo today of a lovely cubby hole type street in Italy. My shoulders relaxed, I took a deep breath. I so wanted to live there where no one knew me.

I would so love to run away from home just for a little while and not hear anything about FTMs, transfolks, MTF, homosexuals, the Tea Party, taxes, the election, rape, abortion, marriage equality. I just want to sit on that little village street in Italy with the sun in my face, smell the flowers and smile at the pretty girls as they pass by. Nothing more, just that.

I thought that I might like to start dating again.

I went ahead and put an ad in a couple of places. Then I received some responses. I froze.

I am going to taking down my personal ads.

I’m not ready.

I read my email this morning and Match.com sent me 9 matches. I read through them. There were only two that I am interested in. I am not contacting any of them at the moment. Right now I am just looking. Dipping my toe into the water to see who is out there. My friends think that  I am not interested in a relationship but I think what it really is is not that I don’t want a relationship but I am mostly burned out. I have dated some really nice women in my past. The problem is that they have an idea of what I am like. They haven’t wanted to know the real me. I had asked one girlfriend why she dumped me. She was at least honest. She told me that I was nothing but a Mexican fantasy for her.

That really hurt.

Another wouldn’t hug me when I was sad and asked where the strong person was that she fell in love with.

That really hurt.

So for three years I have stayed single by choice. I used to have a lot of one night stands and that was because that was all women wanted from me. Just sex. But, it was incredibly lonely.

I stopped having one night stands.

Then I fell in love for the first time. We were going to get married.

But, then she started drinking.

That really hurt.

I got tired of hurting.

So, I was determined to just stay single.

Then all of this with my father happened. Though my growing up was very tough at times the one thing that was constant was my family. My mother and father were always there for each other. They still are.

That is what I always wanted. I didn’t do quick relationships and marriages. As a matter of fact outside of this last relationship I hadn’t lived with anyone for over 17 years.

So, I am going to try again. Perhaps I won’t find something like my parents marriage and that is okay. Theirs wasn’t perfect. But, it would be nice to find a woman who is brave enough to want to be with me and not need to be with me. A woman who doesn’t see  me as some fantasy.

I’m willing to risk being hurt again.

So, I see an ad from a woman who is supposed to be a match. Everything she says is exactly what I am looking for in a potential partner. I am not going to answer her ad though as she is looking for a man who can give her children. I can’t do that. Though, there are other options. The reason why I am not answering her ad is because though I want to get involved with someone right now I am testing the waters by looking.

I’m still a bit skiddish.

Baby steps.

I need to be gentle with myself.

Because no one else ever has been. If I want someone to be gentle and loving with me I need to make sure I am gentle and loving with myself first.

That way if everything else fails I know I was loving with myself.

It has to start somewhere.

I signed up on the FTM site but also signed up on Match.com. I said that I am FTM on my Match.com profile. I got what is called a ‘wink’ from a woman. I wonder if she knows what an FTM is. I suppose I will find out.

Interesting.

I think I am going to go ahead and open an account with that FTM dating site. I was going to wait until after my surgery but it’s not like I am going to be getting married in two months. I’m not looking for a quick hook up and a one night stand either. People think I am a player but I’m not. I just don’t rush into anything. I see folks get together then get married only a few months later. I may move slower than the average guy but it doesn’t mean I don’t like someone.  I am the kind of guy who takes relationships serious.I think it’s a good idea to take my time and get to know the girl and make sure I really do like her and not the idea of her. Too many people fall in love with the idea of love or they fall in lust.  Should I find the right woman I wouldn’t be against getting married either at some point in the future.  So, while I still have to get my surgery done in a couple of months and get my self-employment going there is nothing wrong with seeing who is out there that I might be interested in getting to know.

It would be nice to find a woman I could eventually settle down with. Tommy and Sammy would probably like that too. And if not and it doesn’t happen that is okay too.