Archive for August, 2012

I spoke too soon. So did my mother.

While the immediate death of my father is not certain.

The doctor said that he only has 50% function of his heart.

He likely won’t live more than two years at best.

He still is a little bit out of it. We believe now he has some sort of brain damage from the lack of oxygen.

He isn’t able to walk and so can’t come home yet. Even if he does he won’t be who he was.

Though my father is still alive.

I have lost him.

I wish it were me and not him.

I have nothing but he has so much to live for – he has a wife, children – a grandchild.

When I lose him I lose everything.

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If anyone tells you that it is possible to quietly refill a cat’s treaty jar they are lying to you.

Flat out lying!

Dealing with or rather not dealing with the feelings surrounding the possibility of my father passing has brought to head a lot of what I was hiding. Everyone thinks I am brave. I am  not brave. I just have good face. I went through this completely alone. Even if I had a partner I would have still felt alone. Though, I do admit I really needed hugs. I needed to feel safe to feel. Instead I put on face.

I am an emotional loner but I can’t do that any longer. Having come through this with my father living has made me realize that I, deep down, would like to share my life with someone.

Someone I can talk with ~ someone I can be free with to express my joys, love, sorrow and fear.

Yes, fear.

It’s often difficult – no, not often. It has always been that way with me as women expect me to be the unemotional hero with all the answers.

It’s a role I often play.

I am going to give up that role.

This play has gone on too long ~ I’m bored with the part and need to find another theatre to engage in.

I need to find a brave woman. A woman who isn’t afraid to share her thoughts, fears, joys and sorrows. Someone who is brave enough is also strong enough.

I don’t want to do life alone anymore.

I never really have.

I need to change my face.

Who Knew

Posted: August 29, 2012 in Emotions
Tags: , , , , ,

Sometimes I think I want to disappear and go where no one really knows me and then I realize I am already there.

For some reason Internet Explorer doesn’t seem to like WordPress – or it could simply be the settings on my computer. I was unable to go to other blogs and read them. There are other FTMs and MTFs who have blogs but Internet Explorer would not allow me to open them or even go to my personal settings. I have just discovered that if I go to Safari I am able to do so. I’m happy to have discovered this. Though I have real time FTM and MTF friends and have some connections via Facebook I wanted to read blogs. Sometimes I feel very alone and by connecting with other guys it feels less lonely. By nature I am a bit of a loner even though I volunteer for NYC Pride March. I am still a loner. It seems that men tend to be loners more often than women.

But, now I can read other blogs – it’s not real life connection ~ but, it’s a connection.

Thank you Safari.

Tommy and Sammy Taking a Snooze

Tommy needs to lose some weight. He isn’t happy with the food reduction so I thought perhaps some exercise would help make this go faster for him. (and me).

I put him on the treadmill and of course when I turned it on he went flying across the room. I then put him on the exercise bike but his little feet couldn’t reach the pedals. I then tried to get him to lift weights but he just put his head on them and fell asleep.
I was out of ideas and heck it was breakfast time so stood up to feed him. He raced down the hall. I then sat down. He raced back to me. I stood up again and he raced down the hall. I sat back down again. I did this about 20 times until he got his heart rate up. Needless to say I was thrilled with this newly discovered exercise plan. For dinner we will shoot for 40 times.

He got an excellent workout.
Sammy of course thought this was hysterical and called Tommy and idiot but thanked him for the entertainment