Archive for July, 2012

I went to a site that is LGBT – a wonderful post and link was made about one of the director’s for The Matrix who is MTF. I was excited to read about this. She put her career into the fate of acceptance or hatred. People call it brave – though, many of us don’t consider it brave but a necessity. There is no choice.

Then I made the mistake of reading the comments. I didn’t think it would have been a mistake, after all, this is an LGBT site.

The comment read: Ivette Mojica Rivera WHATS UP WITH THE CRAZY LOOKING FACE AND UGLY DREADLOCKS??? LOOKS PSYCHO TO ME!!! SORRY BEEN HONEST HERE!!!!

 

I know this person is a complete idiot as I have seen her post on other pages. As a matter of fact she was proud of the fact that she lured an ex-girlfriend into her home, threatened her with a knife and then beat the crap out of her so badly that she ended up in the hospital. She said that her ex had come into her home and destroyed $10,000 worth of clothing and other items. Still – that is no excuse for luring someone into your home and then doing what you do.

I considered the source but I was not prepared for it. Many of us are told we aren’t masculine enough – get called a girl (FTM), or we are told we aren’t pretty enough and are told we are we are just men with breasts (MTF) The suicide rate in our community is extremely high yet this alleged butch lesbian said the above.

I was furious.

Then numb.

Then tired.

I’m so tired – I worked out and it was an excellent work out. But, I can’t shake the numbness, the exhaustion and I just don’t feel like waking up tomorrow morning.

I’m tired.

I’m numb.

I want to be left alone.

Completing my transition is not simply changing my outer appearance. It’s a focus on mind and body – spirit and soul. Though I am not going through an adolescence sexually as many do (Though the sex drive is indeed high) ~ I am going through an emotional adolescence of sorts. With the incorrect hormones I wasn’t able to fully focus – concentrate and establish my emotional well being.  On testosterone I am cued into myself and settled.

With that said – two weeks ago I blogged about letting go of someone from my past. I’ve known this person for 6 years. I was in a bad place when I met her. I didn’t feel good about myself and projected my need to like myself onto her. I didn’t fall in love with her by any means but I developed an attraction. My attraction to her kept me from looking at myself. As I took the steps to take care of myself my attraction waned. This is one of the reasons why I don’t always jump on my attractions with women. I need to make sure it is a real attraction and not simply filling a void in myself. I think too often people look to fill a void and can often place too much emotional baggage on someone else then are terribly heart broken when it all falls apart. For this reason when my last girlfriend and I broke up – though we were in love with each other – I wasn’t heart broken. We had our time and it was time for both of us to no longer be with each other so I was able to let go with love. That breakup was the easiest I ever had – I was in love. With others I wasn’t in love and they were void filling relationships.

So, back to this person I am talking about. She would use me and I of course allowed myself to be used whenever she needed a favor. When  I got with my girlfriend I thought it disrespectful for this woman to think that I would be at her beck and call when my allegiance is to my girlfriend. I would of course like to remain friends with her but my girlfriend comes first above all. I didn’t tell her that but she got the message. It seemed that it wasn’t a friendship she wanted but someone to be at her beck and call. It didn’t have to be me as she found another masculine figure to replace me.

We lost touch.

She came back after finding out my girlfriend and I broke up.

Against my better judgement I attempted to resume the friendship when she contacted me again. But, again it was one sided. I chose not to go there again.  I let go of her as a friend. I had held on as it was the last link of attraction as a butch dyke ~

She’s attempting again to make contact with me yet again– draw me in.

I thought about letting her know why I let her go. Then decided not to.

My energies are being saved for me. If she was indeed a friend she would have tried to remain a friend when I got a girlfriend. She would have asked about me when I was going through all my medical issues.  My friends do that. I do that with them.

My adolescence is coming along well.

I went to Citifield to watch the Mets play – I passed. The security guard who patted me down said have a great time at the game sir. Normally they would point me to a woman security guard. This time there was no hesitation.

I was able to use the men’s room – it was great because when I had to take a dump in the women’s rest room I would get stares afterwards. Not wanting to bring attention to myself as it was bad enough as a butch dyke looking person but one who is a butch dyke looking person who farts and takes a dump in the bathroom is even more unwanted attention. In the men’s room – no one cares. I  farted and took a dump and no one gave a shit. Well,e xcept for me – it cuts down my rest room time a great deal.

It was a horrible game and it started raining on us. My knees were in horrible pain. I went home and my friend went to the bar.

WTF?

I have needs. I have been ignoring my needs for too long as I don’t want to have sex in this body until I have my chest surgery. I decided to join my friend, Mr. Bear (He is the most awesome gay men in the world)  – am I looking for sex? Yes and no. Will I go home with someone? Maybe, maybe not. But, I do know I need to get some flirting in at least. I am not going to lie about who I am – though, I did shave. That’s okay as I am going to be metrosexual anyway as I am not that much into facial hair though it is fun to watch it grow. Hell – even hetrosexual women don’t like facial hair on men so it’s not an issue with regards to LGBT v hetro.

I  just need to flirt, make out and maybe have sex.

Maybe I don’t need any of that.

I just need human contact. I’m, afterall, human.

I had to call Callen-Lorde pharmacy for a refill on my medications. They normally find it under David Gomez with my date of birth. They couldn’t find it for some reason and the guy on the phone asked me, ‘what is your other name?’ I paused and had a tennis ball suddenly grow in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t bear to even say what my birth name was so I spelled it out.

Soon….soon

There is a post floating around FB. There is an FTM and an MTF. Both of them are naked and the photo says – some men have vaginas and some men don’t. Get over it.

I know it is supposed to be supportive. This information is needed as there are so many transphobice people out there.

But – I simply hate my body so much as it is that I don’t even want to look at that photo and be reminded that I have female body parts.

I’m glad those are being posted as so many in the LGB community are uninformed and some of them are just outright fucking stupid, irnogant and hateful.

Still –

I don’t want to be reminded.

Jamison Green Reflects on Transitioning.

Earlier I wrote a blog post about the difficulties I was having with WC and disability. Instead of stressing and getting angry I put a call through on my pending funding from another source. After messing around for a bit I got on the treadmill. As I was stepping off the treadmill my phone was ringing. I wasn’t going to answer as I was dripping with sweat and tired. But, I answered it. It was about my pending funds. The much awaited report is completed. They are forwarding it to me and my case worker. My case should be resolved soon – (soon can mean 60 to 90 days)

So, if I had gotten angry, frustrated and started yelling out of frustration all I would have done was raise my blood pressure. Accepting life on life’s terms (with a little shove from me when I made the call) things worked out the way they were supposed to. Not wasting my life being angry, worried and tormented about things that are out of my control and accepting what I can’t change and try to change the things I can makes me a happier David. It also makes the little dudes feel safe and secure.

Oh man oh man do I ever stink! Shower time!