Smile At The Pretty Girls

Posted: September 5, 2012 in Dating/Relationships, Emotions, Life In General
Tags: , , , , ,

I had to go to the bodega this evening and pick up a few items. While there a young woman kept checking me out and smiled at me when she left. I walked out right behind her and she turned and flashed me a smile before going her way. Another woman was pushing her laundry cart and looked up at me and smiled then almost fell to the ground as she wasn’t looking where she was going. She was terribly embarrassed. I’m no longer amazed when I ‘pass’. I don’t really think of it as passing any longer even though I haven’t had my chest surgery. They don’t look at my binded chest as they see the facial hair so why would they look at my chest. Their eyes would divert about 2.5 feet lower and I have had that  happen. Yes, the ladies do indeed look at a man’s crotch.

As I walked back I smiled to myself. I like being seen as the man that I am and not David the FTM guy or David the transguy. I like it that women look at me as someone sexy much unlike many queer women e who say they can date me because I don’t have certain male body bits 2.5 feet below the neck. I often wonder if these queer women really see me as a man. It caused me to frown. True many run around in my community saying that the gender is in the brain and not the body but if that is the case then why don’t queer women date cisgender men? I haven’t posed that question to them as I only just thought about it this evening.

I think that is why I felt so alive this afternoon when I was papertrading before getting ready for my full time day trading when I get my funds. I haven’t felt that much joy in a long time. I haven’t traded for almost a year since recovering from my knee surgery last year. I felt so me, David, male and not David the FTM, not David the transguy, not David who doesn’t have a 6 inch dick. Merrill Lynch doesn’t care where my money comes from as long as they can earn money on the trades I am asking them to execute.

I had posted that I wasn’t ready to date. That given my own health issues I likely only have about 15 years to live anyway and I want a calm life. A couple of folks told me to just get a grip and go out and date. I know they mean well but they are not me. They are not the ones who have to negotiate missing body parts for the gender they are. It’s something else to have to deal with emotionally.

Have I really accepted myself as I am? Is this the reason why I am not interested in dating? I have my attractions but I don’t really have the urge to act on them. I think about it from time to time but it just seems like it would get too emotionally messy for me.

Is it enough for me to have a  women smile at me? Turn and look at me and smile again? Almost trip and fall to the pavement because she was looking at me? Will that sustain me? I dunno. But, I do know that I get lost and forget about all of it when I am trading. I don’t have to think about the world and hatred and murder of my brothers and sisters. I started to watch the DEM convention but they are just going to talk about what I already know. It started to depress me that we still have to continue our fight.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being reminded of the hatred.

I saw this photo today of a lovely cubby hole type street in Italy. My shoulders relaxed, I took a deep breath. I so wanted to live there where no one knew me.

I would so love to run away from home just for a little while and not hear anything about FTMs, transfolks, MTF, homosexuals, the Tea Party, taxes, the election, rape, abortion, marriage equality. I just want to sit on that little village street in Italy with the sun in my face, smell the flowers and smile at the pretty girls as they pass by. Nothing more, just that.

  1. perpetua says:

    You’re getting closer to that village street every day; don’t forget that, dear friend.

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