Do I? Don’t I?

Posted: August 27, 2012 in Dating/Relationships, Emotions, Life In General
Tags: , , , , ,

I read my email this morning and sent me 9 matches. I read through them. There were only two that I am interested in. I am not contacting any of them at the moment. Right now I am just looking. Dipping my toe into the water to see who is out there. My friends think that  I am not interested in a relationship but I think what it really is is not that I don’t want a relationship but I am mostly burned out. I have dated some really nice women in my past. The problem is that they have an idea of what I am like. They haven’t wanted to know the real me. I had asked one girlfriend why she dumped me. She was at least honest. She told me that I was nothing but a Mexican fantasy for her.

That really hurt.

Another wouldn’t hug me when I was sad and asked where the strong person was that she fell in love with.

That really hurt.

So for three years I have stayed single by choice. I used to have a lot of one night stands and that was because that was all women wanted from me. Just sex. But, it was incredibly lonely.

I stopped having one night stands.

Then I fell in love for the first time. We were going to get married.

But, then she started drinking.

That really hurt.

I got tired of hurting.

So, I was determined to just stay single.

Then all of this with my father happened. Though my growing up was very tough at times the one thing that was constant was my family. My mother and father were always there for each other. They still are.

That is what I always wanted. I didn’t do quick relationships and marriages. As a matter of fact outside of this last relationship I hadn’t lived with anyone for over 17 years.

So, I am going to try again. Perhaps I won’t find something like my parents marriage and that is okay. Theirs wasn’t perfect. But, it would be nice to find a woman who is brave enough to want to be with me and not need to be with me. A woman who doesn’t see  me as some fantasy.

I’m willing to risk being hurt again.

So, I see an ad from a woman who is supposed to be a match. Everything she says is exactly what I am looking for in a potential partner. I am not going to answer her ad though as she is looking for a man who can give her children. I can’t do that. Though, there are other options. The reason why I am not answering her ad is because though I want to get involved with someone right now I am testing the waters by looking.

I’m still a bit skiddish.

Baby steps.

I need to be gentle with myself.

Because no one else ever has been. If I want someone to be gentle and loving with me I need to make sure I am gentle and loving with myself first.

That way if everything else fails I know I was loving with myself.

It has to start somewhere.

  1. perpetua says:

    I love this entry. It’s so spot on. Well, to me it is, anyway. I have loads of areas on which I need to work; but I try always to be gentle to myself and those whose paths cross mine. Leaving you with a gentle, warm hug.

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