The testosterone is out of my body. My funding hasn’t come in and now I have been off of my T for two weeks. Androgel doesn’t stay in the body very long. It is applied daily. I was on the train coming home and I just started tearing for no reason whatsoever. I kept my eyes closed and would rub them so no one would see. I wasn’t even thinking of anything in particular either to bring it on. I am just grateful that I am post-menopausal so I don’t have high levels of estrogen in my body or I would be a complete emotional mess right now.
As it is without my testosterone I am starting to lose my clarity that I have when I am on my testosterone. I’ve been racing to the mailbox everyday hoping my funding would come in so that I can get my ticket to Nevada and also pick up my T. Someone had asked me the other day if it is addicting. No, it’s not addicting but something that completes me physically and emotionally. I can’t stand being without it. I hope my funding comes in tomorrow.

Barbara

Posted: September 12, 2012 in Emotions
Tags: , , , , ,

The market is closed. I did well in my paper trading. Had a good day researching. Almost finished with my business plan. I’m listening to Barbara Streisandand then I sit back. I have had one of the worse 6 weeks of my life and it is ongoing as I haven’t heard back yet on my father’s recent surgery today. As I sat back with fingertips rested along my neck I tilted my head back and took a deep breath – I am going to be okay. I live in the most wonderful city in the world. A place where I can make my dreams come true. Barbara has a way of making a guy think that everything is going to be okay.

I’ve been watching a replay of the live coverage of the 9-11 event. I am forever grateful that I didn’t lose a loved on or even an acquaintance in the towers, the Pentagon or in PA. Though our government is not isolationist; our people, for the most part, are. The news is filled with a lot of the stupid, ignorant and racist things people in our country do. But, for the most part Americans are a ve…

ry kind, loving and wonderful people. We love a hero and we root for the underdog. Our country was built by underdogs – or at least France and the UK thought we were underdogs. We have a spirit of survival and will always rebuild. We are a country of optimists and not the pessimists that too often is portrayed by the GOP and the Tea Party. I believe one of the reasons why President Obama won even though he had no experience was his ability to pull deep into the hearts of the American people our deeply held belief that there is always hope.

For some 9-11 opened their eyes to what goes on around the world in our name. For others their fear created a deep hatred for others. I understand fear as I have had fear myself. But, it is what one does with that fear that makes them a great American. If one can look at their fear in the eye and grab hope instead of hatred a new society can be founded. I believe that is what is going on in the USA right now. The ultimate battle between hope and fear. Such deeply held convictions don’t die easily which is likely why this battled has been waged for so long.

Though I grew up in Europe as a child and teenager I was raised by Americans and my mother is a Brooklyn born and bred New Yorker – I was raised with the fighting spirit. Not a fighting spirit of battle with guns even though I was raised in the military but the fighting spirit that one stands up for their convictions and after dusting oneself off we turn and extend our hand to those who need help getting up.

But, this is not a uniquely American experience – there are so many examples of this fighting spirit throughout the world. We take the credit for the first country to fight against tyranny but there were others before us. The Magna Carta in Great Britain – Oliver Cromwell in the UK – and there are, of course, other examples throughout history. But, ours was the first country built by and for the people. The revolutionaries in Iran back in 79 said that many of them were influenced by ‘The Federalist Papers’. We have influenced so many others.

It is time for us to influence ourselves again. It is time for us to find out what kind of people we are. Are we a people of fear for which we lash out against others who are different or are we a people with hope who extend a helping hand to others?

We need to decide and decide soon as too many others are being hurt because of our inability to act. Rosa Luxemburg and Klara Zetkin said that in order to be rid of the strife of the world we need to be rid of borders between our countries. I believe we need to do that in order to grow as a people. But, before we are able to get rid of the borders between our countries be need to be free of the borders in our minds.

I have a WC claim. I had three knee surgeries – one of them being a total knee replacement. I had walked out on my job as a claims adjuster as I had another small stroke at that job and it was literally killing me. I am also an  investor in the stock market. Actually, I take that back. I am a day trader. I was going to take my WC settlement and day trade full time and with that money invest in the FTM/MTF community. I want to help with hormones, surgery and any other needs our community has. With that said my doctor wrote a report regarding my injury. My WC case worker sent me for an IME. (Independent Medical Exam) as they felt the injury report was too high for settlement.

I am in shock. Complete shock.
As a claims adjuster for 30 years I saw so many settlements that were incredibly unrealistic. I sent many people to IMEs.  When I saw low IMEs for the injury as a fair adjuster I would compromise without argument as I always knew our doctors would low ball the injury while others would push for whatever the IME doctor said. At the end of the day I would have to look at myself in the mirror.
Yesterday afternoon I received in the mail the copy of the IME I had to go to. I didn’t want to open it as things just haven’t been going my way lately. WC and disability were denied me as they both argued that the other side owed me the money. People told me to get a lawyer and fight it. I didn’t have it in me to fight. I know I would have been able to get one of them to pay me. But, I just am tired of litigation so walked away. So, I opened the IME letter expecting that I was low balled and would have to work extra hard once this settled to make it working for myself. I have been very stressed about this but haven’t said anything on FB. I have been researching like mad so that I have a great game plan and don’t fail.

I opened the report and read it. I nearly fell to the floor! The IME doctor gave me MORE than a fair Scheduled Loss of Use percentage. I read it again. Then I read it again. I was and am still in shock. I was not low balled at all. I think part of it was professional courtesy because I was an adjuster for 30 years. But, the other part of it was that I didn’t have an attorney. I didn’t walk in there telling them that I was dying. I told them that I was exercising. I told them that I didn’t need to keep taking pain medication. I told them that I refused to be a cripple and feel sorry for myself. As an adjuster for 30 years I would always hear stories about how the claimants are crippled for the rest of their life and how horrible their life is. I have the same injury as some of them have so know they are liars. I still have pain with my knees but I exercise and have lost weight and am determined to live my life and not sit around feeling sorry for myself. I think the IME doctor respected that and thought it was refreshing and instead of low balling me because I wasn’t claiming I am totally disabled he rewarded me for my honesty.
I am beyond thrilled because when I make my investments my plans were to put 1/3 to my charity. I thought I would have to work a full year maybe two before I had funding to be able to do that. When I make my trades the disbursements will be 1/3 for taxes, 1/3 for me and 1/3 for charity. I am not investing to become rich. I don’t have a lot of financial needs. I live simple. With this positive IME report as long as I can keep my losses to a minimum will be able to get my foundation up and running in the first year.
I am excited beyond belief. Now I can formally register my foundation. After watching the DNC last night it only strengthened my resolve to be a part of something greater than myself. I have a charity foundation called, The David Gomez Foundation. This is geared more towards the MFT and FTM community. So many of us need our hormones, surgery and other care yet it’s not out there for us. While I am not a millionaire; if I can help in some small way I will do my best to help all I can. Now I have to learn how to set this up properly. I have the website DavidGomezFoundation.com and also a FB page but with everything that has been going on I haven’t really done anything with them other than set up the sites. After things settle down a little bit I will write my mission statement to make sure I keep focused. This fund will be totally funded by me and my investments. I am not looking for outside donations.
I have been so horribly depressed for the past 6 weeks. Now I really feel as if I have something to live for. Nothing else really matters to me right now than putting together this foundation. I can do this and I can thank a conservative IME doctor from an insurance company. Who knew?

I had to go to the bodega this evening and pick up a few items. While there a young woman kept checking me out and smiled at me when she left. I walked out right behind her and she turned and flashed me a smile before going her way. Another woman was pushing her laundry cart and looked up at me and smiled then almost fell to the ground as she wasn’t looking where she was going. She was terribly embarrassed. I’m no longer amazed when I ‘pass’. I don’t really think of it as passing any longer even though I haven’t had my chest surgery. They don’t look at my binded chest as they see the facial hair so why would they look at my chest. Their eyes would divert about 2.5 feet lower and I have had that  happen. Yes, the ladies do indeed look at a man’s crotch.

As I walked back I smiled to myself. I like being seen as the man that I am and not David the FTM guy or David the transguy. I like it that women look at me as someone sexy much unlike many queer women e who say they can date me because I don’t have certain male body bits 2.5 feet below the neck. I often wonder if these queer women really see me as a man. It caused me to frown. True many run around in my community saying that the gender is in the brain and not the body but if that is the case then why don’t queer women date cisgender men? I haven’t posed that question to them as I only just thought about it this evening.

I think that is why I felt so alive this afternoon when I was papertrading before getting ready for my full time day trading when I get my funds. I haven’t felt that much joy in a long time. I haven’t traded for almost a year since recovering from my knee surgery last year. I felt so me, David, male and not David the FTM, not David the transguy, not David who doesn’t have a 6 inch dick. Merrill Lynch doesn’t care where my money comes from as long as they can earn money on the trades I am asking them to execute.

I had posted that I wasn’t ready to date. That given my own health issues I likely only have about 15 years to live anyway and I want a calm life. A couple of folks told me to just get a grip and go out and date. I know they mean well but they are not me. They are not the ones who have to negotiate missing body parts for the gender they are. It’s something else to have to deal with emotionally.

Have I really accepted myself as I am? Is this the reason why I am not interested in dating? I have my attractions but I don’t really have the urge to act on them. I think about it from time to time but it just seems like it would get too emotionally messy for me.

Is it enough for me to have a  women smile at me? Turn and look at me and smile again? Almost trip and fall to the pavement because she was looking at me? Will that sustain me? I dunno. But, I do know that I get lost and forget about all of it when I am trading. I don’t have to think about the world and hatred and murder of my brothers and sisters. I started to watch the DEM convention but they are just going to talk about what I already know. It started to depress me that we still have to continue our fight.

I am tired of fighting. I am tired of being reminded of the hatred.

I saw this photo today of a lovely cubby hole type street in Italy. My shoulders relaxed, I took a deep breath. I so wanted to live there where no one knew me.

I would so love to run away from home just for a little while and not hear anything about FTMs, transfolks, MTF, homosexuals, the Tea Party, taxes, the election, rape, abortion, marriage equality. I just want to sit on that little village street in Italy with the sun in my face, smell the flowers and smile at the pretty girls as they pass by. Nothing more, just that.

I had a chat with my mother yesterday. My father is still in and out of hallucinations and not clear. His lungs still have water in them.

Though he is not in immediate signs of death as he was last week he has not improved outside of that. The hospital is doing brain scan on him due to the possibility of brain damage from the lack of oxygen. The doctor’s give him 2 years at most to live due to him having only 50% of his heart working. He has already undergone two heart surgeries and nothing has helped him.

Yesterday I surrendered to the fact that my father is no longer who he is. My mother and I spoke about it. She is now also coming to the realization that her husband may no longer physically and mentally be the man she married.

We are always the eternal optimists though and are hoping for the best. We are giving it two more weeks to see if there is any change in his condition. If not then I will be flying out there probably mid-September to tune up her car, change the plugs, show her how to balance the checkbook, go over their health insurance policies, show her what I will need to do their taxes for them next year, check their furnace and clean it out for her and other things that my father used to do.

Fortunately, my mother is very popular in their little village so she has lots of friends looking in on her. I won’t have to worry about her in that aspect.

Though, we know he is in there somewhere as she read my letter to him and though he didn’t show any outward appearance of having heard it when she tried to put the letter away he took it and held it close to his chest.

We’ve come to a place of acceptance and hope for the best but know that someday this time will come.

Musical Freedom

Posted: September 2, 2012 in Emotions, Life In General
I had a lot of plans for today ~ clean up my financial subcriptions, do laundry, clear out the living room to prepare for my new table (nothing fancy just a long inexpensive table) but instead all I did was lay around in my underoos, listening to classical music and snuggle with Tommy and Sammy. I really needed that. How wonderfully relaxing and non-stressful. I was introduced to classical music in school when I was in the 7th grade. It is a shame that the arts are defunded in schools. Art reaches deep into the soul. I think if we had more arts in schools there might be more compassion for others. Instead it is just get them in and shove them out and who cares what they learn. School is starting and I have to say I respect the heck out of teachers in such an environment with the GOP wanting to take money away. I knew a couple of teachers and out of their own hard earned money the paid for supplies for their classes.
I still remember what it was I listened to in my music class. It was Aaron Copeland’s conducting Billy the Kid. I don’t know why I remember this as this was back in 1969. I thought it was so beautiful – so powerful. It resonated with me at 12 years of age. Since then classical music has always reached deep into my heart and soul pulling out feelings I could never express in the written word.
I’m listening to this again and seeing myself as a young 12 year old in that class. I sat next to the window. I remember feeling a feeling of being free and running without inhibition. At that time in school I was bullied and picked on in school. It was a sad time for me upstate in Rome, NY. But, when I heard this I could hear him conducting and it was as if the wind was blowing lightly on my face…I imagined hills, green pastures with wild flowers and freedom – I could also hear the struggle and strife in other parts. It was as if Aaron was conducting the battle hyme for freedom that my little 12 year old FTM was fighting for.