Face Change

Posted: August 29, 2012 in Emotions
Tags: , , , , ,

Dealing with or rather not dealing with the feelings surrounding the possibility of my father passing has brought to head a lot of what I was hiding. Everyone thinks I am brave. I am  not brave. I just have good face. I went through this completely alone. Even if I had a partner I would have still felt alone. Though, I do admit I really needed hugs. I needed to feel safe to feel. Instead I put on face.

I am an emotional loner but I can’t do that any longer. Having come through this with my father living has made me realize that I, deep down, would like to share my life with someone.

Someone I can talk with ~ someone I can be free with to express my joys, love, sorrow and fear.

Yes, fear.

It’s often difficult – no, not often. It has always been that way with me as women expect me to be the unemotional hero with all the answers.

It’s a role I often play.

I am going to give up that role.

This play has gone on too long ~ I’m bored with the part and need to find another theatre to engage in.

I need to find a brave woman. A woman who isn’t afraid to share her thoughts, fears, joys and sorrows. Someone who is brave enough is also strong enough.

I don’t want to do life alone anymore.

I never really have.

I need to change my face.

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Comments
  1. mymindofaman says:

    I really like how you put this. I have felt the same way in the past. I hope you find that special woman.

  2. perpetua says:

    You will find a wise, brave, strong woman. Because like attracts like.

  3. David Gomez says:

    Thanks Mymindofaman – I hope so. 🙂

  4. David Gomez says:

    Thanks Perpetua – I hope so. Unfortunately, I also attract a lot of ‘save me’ women who talk a good game which is why I am so skidish and jaded.

  5. David, I relate so well to the being an emotional loner. Hell I’m pretty much a loner period. Many reasons for me: a childhood upbringing that made me feel as if I were intruding or being a pest if I reached out to someone or initiated contact, hiding/repressing my true nature rom myself and the world for so many years, relationships that went bad in such a way as to make me have no faith in my ability to tell if the other person really means it if they say they love me. And these days simply having the bare resources to take care of myself (and just barely making that), so I don’t feel I have anything more to share with someone else. Not just financially, but emotionally as well.

    I admire your resolve to dip the toe back in so to speak. I do hope you find a woman who deserves it. And anyone who can’t see that letting yourself express your emotions, and making yourself emotionally vulnerable to another, take real true strength; well then they are idiots and not worth your time.

  6. David Gomez says:

    I hear you on that Bewaretheswampsnark – to be honest I am not expecting anything to come of it. I am going to put myself out there and not run away from anything but I am not chasing anything either. I will give it one more chance. At my age there isn’t really a lot of time for many chances and I won’t settle either.

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