Damned Be The Fitted Sheets

Posted: August 22, 2012 in Emotions, Family, Life In General
Tags: , , , , ,

Don’t cry. Don’t worry.

Don’t

Don’t

Don’t

Feel

My mother told me.

I held my tongue.

I won’t.

Shame welling inside my heart for having feelings over the thought that my father could pass away.

A week later my mother admitted to crying.

She spoke softly when she admitted this.

Ashamed of herself.

For feeling.

For admitting fear.

I told her it was okay to cry.

She was silent.

I don’t fault her. She was raised in a violent household.

Numbness is the only feeling allowed.

I was always the odd child.

Being told there was something wrong with me for having feelings.

I finally allowed myself to cry today.

Instantly I felt shame and hid under my covers.

In days past I would drink, do drugs – act out sexually.

I admit to buying a package of cigarettes this week and smoking them.

I forced myself to stop feeling.

I got up out of the bed.

I really needed to make military corners on the bed. Damned be the fitted sheets.

I have to be strong.

Crying serves no purpose.

My father will get through this. I know.

But will I?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s