Tired……………

Posted: July 31, 2012 in Emotions
Tags: , , , , ,

I went to a site that is LGBT – a wonderful post and link was made about one of the director’s for The Matrix who is MTF. I was excited to read about this. She put her career into the fate of acceptance or hatred. People call it brave – though, many of us don’t consider it brave but a necessity. There is no choice.

Then I made the mistake of reading the comments. I didn’t think it would have been a mistake, after all, this is an LGBT site.

The comment read: Ivette Mojica Rivera WHATS UP WITH THE CRAZY LOOKING FACE AND UGLY DREADLOCKS??? LOOKS PSYCHO TO ME!!! SORRY BEEN HONEST HERE!!!!

 

I know this person is a complete idiot as I have seen her post on other pages. As a matter of fact she was proud of the fact that she lured an ex-girlfriend into her home, threatened her with a knife and then beat the crap out of her so badly that she ended up in the hospital. She said that her ex had come into her home and destroyed $10,000 worth of clothing and other items. Still – that is no excuse for luring someone into your home and then doing what you do.

I considered the source but I was not prepared for it. Many of us are told we aren’t masculine enough – get called a girl (FTM), or we are told we aren’t pretty enough and are told we are we are just men with breasts (MTF) The suicide rate in our community is extremely high yet this alleged butch lesbian said the above.

I was furious.

Then numb.

Then tired.

I’m so tired – I worked out and it was an excellent work out. But, I can’t shake the numbness, the exhaustion and I just don’t feel like waking up tomorrow morning.

I’m tired.

I’m numb.

I want to be left alone.

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Comments
  1. perpetua says:

    I can’t understand such viciousness and violence, and that kind of comment in and of itself was offensive; coupled with all the other horrors you have seen in this commentator, I totally understand how you feel. My first reaction was “Don’t comment; David just wants to be left alone.” But I just wanted to ensure that you see and know that there are other kinds of people, other responses to you and other transpeople. Responses of love, acceptance and peace. May you sleep peacefully, and awaken tomorrow refreshed in your pride and strength.

    • David Gomez says:

      Thank you Perpetua – I know there are many who are indeed supportive. And having gotten to know you I know you are one of them. Thank you. But, there is no safe harbor.

  2. Sometimes I avoid reading articles and things about the transgender community because I have the same feeling of being tired after I read some of the hateful things in the comments. There is a blogger who writes horrible things about trans people and always tags the posts as “transgender” so they’ll show up in the topics section. When I stumble across those posts, I think about speaking up, but don’t because it would be a waste of energy since the person’s posts are so full of hatred and ignorance about the trans community.

    Sometimes, I feel like it’s not good to be so focused on the transition and gender. It can be depressing if you’re not where you want to be in the process or if you’re facing difficulty in other areas of your life as a result of transitioning, etc. Part of the reason I write about music and writing on my blog is to escape a bit from that one arena; but, it’s also to let non-trans folks see that we are well-rounded people with the same kinds of interests, dreams, and challenges as anyone else.

    • David Gomez says:

      Thanks a lot for your comment Transparentguy. I really needed to read that. I am taking a couple of days off from reading anything political because I need my brain and feelings to decompress. I have often thought about going stealth but I am too much of a political person to remain stealth. Sometimes I wish I could just go stealth. I went to the Philly TransHealth Conference and met some other men who were stealth and a part of me envied them. Another part of me knew I wouldn’t be successful at it. You are so right – once I have completed my transition physically I am hoping things will change a little bit for me – but, I am like a moth to the light as I am drawn towards the articles. I do exercise a lot of try and keep me focused. I also write so should try and get my head wrapped around that again. Thanks very much for your post. I appreciate it a great deal.

      • Just figured you needed to know you weren’t alone in those feelings. I also know what you mean about going stealth. If I were younger, I would probably try, but doing this at my age with all the connections and experiences that I have, there’s no way to go stealth.

        The challenge now is finding a way to be comfortable with my evolving identity until I am seen by everyone else as I see myself.

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