My Emotional Adolescence………..

Posted: July 22, 2012 in Emotions, Life In General
Tags: , , , , ,

Completing my transition is not simply changing my outer appearance. It’s a focus on mind and body – spirit and soul. Though I am not going through an adolescence sexually as many do (Though the sex drive is indeed high) ~ I am going through an emotional adolescence of sorts. With the incorrect hormones I wasn’t able to fully focus – concentrate and establish my emotional well being.  On testosterone I am cued into myself and settled.

With that said – two weeks ago I blogged about letting go of someone from my past. I’ve known this person for 6 years. I was in a bad place when I met her. I didn’t feel good about myself and projected my need to like myself onto her. I didn’t fall in love with her by any means but I developed an attraction. My attraction to her kept me from looking at myself. As I took the steps to take care of myself my attraction waned. This is one of the reasons why I don’t always jump on my attractions with women. I need to make sure it is a real attraction and not simply filling a void in myself. I think too often people look to fill a void and can often place too much emotional baggage on someone else then are terribly heart broken when it all falls apart. For this reason when my last girlfriend and I broke up – though we were in love with each other – I wasn’t heart broken. We had our time and it was time for both of us to no longer be with each other so I was able to let go with love. That breakup was the easiest I ever had – I was in love. With others I wasn’t in love and they were void filling relationships.

So, back to this person I am talking about. She would use me and I of course allowed myself to be used whenever she needed a favor. When  I got with my girlfriend I thought it disrespectful for this woman to think that I would be at her beck and call when my allegiance is to my girlfriend. I would of course like to remain friends with her but my girlfriend comes first above all. I didn’t tell her that but she got the message. It seemed that it wasn’t a friendship she wanted but someone to be at her beck and call. It didn’t have to be me as she found another masculine figure to replace me.

We lost touch.

She came back after finding out my girlfriend and I broke up.

Against my better judgement I attempted to resume the friendship when she contacted me again. But, again it was one sided. I chose not to go there again.  I let go of her as a friend. I had held on as it was the last link of attraction as a butch dyke ~

She’s attempting again to make contact with me yet again– draw me in.

I thought about letting her know why I let her go. Then decided not to.

My energies are being saved for me. If she was indeed a friend she would have tried to remain a friend when I got a girlfriend. She would have asked about me when I was going through all my medical issues.  My friends do that. I do that with them.

My adolescence is coming along well.

  1. perpetua says:

    It is so good seeing this example of letting go of toxic people. It does become easier as we move into being true to ourselves. Great for you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s