Binary Body –

Posted: July 9, 2012 in Appearance
Tags: , , , , ,

I’ve been working out quite a bit – kettle bells, free weights, boxing bag and speed bag. I’ve been using the treadmill and eating properly. I’ve lost about 60 pounds since I had total knee replacement surgery last year. I need to lose another 50 pounds and I will be where I want to be. I’m getting there much faster than I thought.

 I used to be very athletic when I was younger but fell out of it as I got older and became more dissatisfied with my body. As a female I was considered ‘hot’ and men would always flirt with me. Having grown up in a conservative military life I was surrounded by hatred which translated into self-hatred. I also had no information about homosexuals as the base library didn’t have information about that. I was born in the 50’s and so the 70’s wasn’t exactly a bastion of information about homosexuality not to mention being a transsexual. So, with that I tried to fit in.

Being a ‘hot’ girl gave me multiple men to choose from. I always had the hottest boyfriends. As a matter of fact after I finally came out of the closet when I ventured into the civilian world I met up with an old classmate of mine. I came out to her and she got angry. I asked her why she was so angry. She told me that she wished I had come out as a teenager because I took all the hot boys in high school and she couldn’t get a one and now she is pissed because the lesbian in high school had all the hot boys.

A few women have said that I will turn gay once I transition because ‘we all’ turn gay. I thought that was funny at first because we don’t all turn gay. There are many of us who are straight men. But, I kept reading more and more about it. I have discovered that many of us straight men don’t stay in the LGBT community as the gay ones and that could be a reason why so many think we will turn gay. Besides, I have been on T for three years and I am still not gay.

I also read an article about this. It would seem that there is some thought that the ones who turned into gay men may have indeed always harbored some attraction towards men but felt pressured to be lesbians. That doesn’t make any sense. If they liked men then why not date them in the first place. The other thought was that because FTMs have transitioned they may be interested in exploring penises and so turn to men. I dated more than my share of men prior to coming out of the closet thinking I was a lesbian. I’ve seen my share of penises. I’m pretty much done looking at them. The only one I like is mine. It’s little but it’s mine.

I haven’t had bottom surgery.  I would like to but the surgery isn’t perfected for what I want. The cost is also very expensive not to mention the series of surgeries that need to be done in order to have something even close to what I want. At my age and with my past health issues I am not sure my body could handle all of the procedures involved with having bottom surgery. There seems to be some kick in the community to go around calling ourselves men with vaginas. I hate that. Hearing it just makes me cringe. I don’t like being reminded that I have female body parts. While I can appreciate the fact that some men don’t take issue with it – what I really don’t appreciate is that they seem to think it’s okay to force their feelings about their body onto me. I don’t want that part of my body brought up, I don’t acknowledge it, I don’t want it touched and I don’t want it fucked.

My world is binary

And so is my body

  1. Cathy says:

    You are very strong of opinion! And I’ll leave it at that, for now at least. I know I, as a femme lesbian, took a damned long time figuring out that my own attraction to women was more important than any external perceptions and definitions of who, what, and how I should be. I’m eternally grateful that I finally got it! I guess some of us require time and perhaps extra understanding as our journeys diverge from various norms. I’m definitely one of that group.

    • David Gomez says:

      I’ve known since I was 4 that I was attracted to women. When I was in the first grade I had made plans to marry a second grade teacher who taught in the next room.

      • Cathy says:

        I had my first crush on my second grade teacher. Mrs. Pierce. She broke my heart by telling me I couldn’t be a fireman when I grew up. It was 1966, and the word “firefighter” didn’t exist yet. Even if it had, she would have told me I couldn’t be one as … well, it was 1966.

  2. David Gomez says:

    I’m sorry to hear that. 😦 The heck with that teacher. The crush I had on the second grade teacher was in 1963. You should have spoken with my mother – she wanted to be an NYPD police officer in the 50’s and was told women were only matrons. She said the hell with that and joined the Navy. I think what helped me make decisions about life was the fact that my mother told me I can be whatever I want to be.

  3. Ursula Then says:

    Yeah. No way Kris is gonna turn gay. He loves women too much.

    I think Kris is in the same place as you regarding bottom surgery. Also the risk is too big for him – age, health… and the regular risks all the guys face – there’s just too much uncertainty. Have you been keeping up with developments? I knew that Canada and Sweden (or was it Switzerland?) were the places to go, but recently I heard that Serbia was a good option too. That surprised me, but then I haven’t been keeping up with things the past few years.

    • David Gomez says:

      Yes, I keep up with what is going on with regards to the bottom surgery. Serbia is the place to go for this. I was fortunate enough to be in a closed workshop at the Philly Trans/Health Conference where some men shared their surgeries with us. Most of them were younger men and the surgeries were absolutely amazing. I am so grateful they shared with the rest of us. There is one I may get as it is minimal but I am not prepared to share that openly yet at this time.

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