Leaving Home….

Posted: July 7, 2012 in Passing
Tags: , , , , ,

“Why didn’t you come to the BBQ  bro? It was a lot of fun.” Another brother asked me.

I stared at the message and hesitated – do I tell the truth or do I lie to not hurt feelings?

I chose to lie. I started writing that I had plans already and was happy he had a great time.  I hovered over the send button.

Everything I have done in my past was to avoid being who I am.

Do I want to continue to be that person?

I deleted the message.

Hesitation.

I then typed. “Hi, glad you had a good time but I don’t really want to hang around lesbians as I’m not one. They are lovely women but I don’t really have that much in common with them. I need to spend more time in my world.”

I hit send.

A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t send that to him for him. I sent that for me. I need to be honest with myself. I am not transitioning to remain a lesbian. I have a few lesbian friends – but that is what they are – friends. I spent many years; rather a few decades in their world.

I need to explore my world.

I’ve been getting to experience that more lately with the growth of my facial hair. Even more when  I wear a buttoned up shirt over my layers. Hot as it is, sweating as if I just returned from a vacation in Hades – I do it to pass until my surgery in a few months.

I met a friend for lunch yesterday – he’s my friend and another pathetic Mets fan. (See, I do have my faults – lovely as they are.) I got some shaving tips from him. I was called ‘sir’ during lunch and afterwards we went to a bakery so I could purchase some fresh bread. I went into the bakery expecting to be treated as I usually was – a butch dyke. After I paid the young female clerk and she handed me my bread she said, ‘thank you, sir’. I was taken aback as I am not quite used to being perceived as a man 24/7 – rather 20/7 as much as I have been lately.

I took a quick deep breath and smiled inside.

The world of men is so much different – earlier while waiting for my friend under the subway overpass the car service drivers honked their horns at me and called over, ‘boss, you need ride?’

Sir…..boss – with that comes responsibility and certain expectation in a man’s world.

To act like a man – and for that I need to be in my world and not a lesbian’s world.

I will of course retain my friendships with lesbians and most likely go to social functions with them from time to time – but, right now I need to learn how to navigate in a man’s world. 

I need to leave home and see what awaits me.

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Comments
  1. Stephanie says:

    TY for sharing! Honesty, while risking vulnerability, usually = confidence, empowerment and sexy in my book. Just sayin

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