Dry Tears……….

Posted: July 7, 2012 in Emotions
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m mourning my past much as a new born child who comes into the new world crying with its first breath.

Only –

I can’t cry.

Crying was the only form of release for me in my past. Though, for the most part I would do it in the solitude of darkness. My mother would mock me for crying, girlfriends were uncomfortable with my tears with one rejecting me and asking where the strong butch was that she fell in love with.

There is shame in crying for those like me –

I need to cry – I close my eyes and squeeze my temples hard.

I wrap my arms around myself – giving myself a desperately needed hug. Over the years I have had to learn to hug myself. For years alcohol was my hug until I allowed it to emotionally and physically abuse me.

I sat trying to cry.

One tear drop fell.

though the tears escape me

at least I know

that for the time being

I can still feel.

  1. Ursula Then says:

    Another ftm guy I know is the same. He wishes for the release of tension crying brings too. I cry at the drop of a hat. If only we could have a cryingness transplant – I would give you some of my crying ability and you could give me some of your non-crying ability and we would be balanced out.

    • David Gomez says:

      Okay we can do that. 🙂 I work out a lot now to help with my feelings. The endorphins from exercise help me a great deal. For the most part I like not crying at the drop of a hat. There are times I wish I could as it is a healthy form of release. Fortunately, I am learning new ways to cope with those feelings.

  2. I know how you feel, David. During my formative years I was indoctrinated into the belief system that it was weak and wrong to cry. So for most of my life I was unable to express most of my emotions. As an adult I cried when my step-father passed (because I mourned all he would not get to see/live) and when I had to put my dog Waffles to sleep.

    Fortunately one side effect of having been on HRT for me was it became impossible to hold back tears. At least at first. Estrogen does that to you I guess. However I’ve been weaning off the HRT (no refills on my scripts and lack of money for Dr. visits, plus at my age they don’t recommend much in the way of estrogen) so it will be interesting to see if my inability to cry returns.

    And although I did gain the ability to cry, I never have been able to freely express my emotions. That is what childhood experiences do to you – it permanently effects, for good or for ill, how we share ourselves and interact with the world.

    • David Gomez says:

      I hope you don’t lose your ability to cry. With stopping the HRT I hope it doesn’t effect it much though I don’t know what is permanent and what isn’t. With testosterone if I stopped I would keep the voice and the hair but the tears could come back. I was on T and then had to stop and though I wasn’t on T for a while my ability to cry did come back but not at the same level.
      Yes, I hear you regarding upbringing. I was teased by my mother for crying when I was a child but also growing up in the military didn’t help as it was frowned upon as well. It’s amazing what emotional fears we are taught as children. I am grateful to know you through the years bewaretheswampsnark – if it weren’t for friends it would be so much more difficult to maneuver through this cold world at times.

  3. I feel a bit the same about crying – ashamed of it. Sometimes I think we bury our feelings for good reason, then it’s hard to get them out again when we need them.

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