I have my plane ticket to fly out and see my mother and father.
My father is still in the hospital. He has now been in the hospital for almost two months. He hasn’t improved and the doctor has opined that he likely won’t live longer than 1.5 years, if that. I have mourned as has my mother but I know when she and I see each other after so many years we will mourn again together. He is still alive of course but we are currently mourning the man we knew. A man who was always aware of his surroundings and able to make decisions. So, he is alive but no longer the man he was. It won’t make it easier for when he does pass but I suppose in a way we do have something to be grateful for. (My family always tries to find the good in a bad situation) We are at least grateful that we are going to be prepared for this and it isn’t a sudden death. The other thing we are so ever grateful for is that he is not in pain. So many don’t have that opportunity and have to deal with a sudden death or their loved one has a long painful death. So, while it is horrible that I am losing my father – I am not losing him suddenly and with him in pain.
I leave this coming Monday and fly into Las Vegas. I will be there for two weeks. I may extend my stay but am not sure at this point. It will be so strange to see so many people in a celebratory mood when my mother and I are in such pain. Though, I don’t begrudge them and I am not angry about it. After all, I am sure there have been times I have been in a happy mood and nearby there was someone dealing with terrible pain.
It is a part of life. Celebrations and sadness. I keep my focus by remembering this is all a part of life.
So, I fly out to Las Vegas – not to mourn but to prepare for my dad’s passing but also to celebrate.
To celebrate the wonderful years I had and still have with my father.
See, my dad was not just a sperm donor.
He is a dad.
He is a loving father.
I haven’t had my surgery yet.
So, when I see him he will see his daughter.
They both know I am in transition. But, though we have spoken on the telephone we haven’t seen each other in years. It is all new to them.
. He is not himself. He is hallucinating and sometimes forgets where he is.
So, I – David will be his daughter while I am there.
And that’s okay because sometimes not everything is about me.